The Dia Bondi Show

Caller Q: She wants adventure and has to make a big ask to do it.

Episode Summary

She's got a big question and Dia's got a big answer. This week we get a caller question about how to ask her boss to work remotely so she can have the life she wants. But his that really the ask she needs to make? Dia gives her answer she (and maybe you) can use when you go to make your next big move.

Episode Notes

It's a three-part answer to a one-part question. This week we get a caller question about how to ask her boss to work remotely so she can have the life she wants. But is that really the ask she needs to make? Dia gives her an answer she (and maybe you) can use when you go to make your next big move. Plus a rant about the difference between being busy and being engaged and a "hey chill" to corporate who are worried "if we teach women how to ask for more and get it, will that be a problem for us?" 

Leave your own question on our listener line at 341-333-2997 and subscribe so you don't miss a thing.

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Episode Transcription

Dia  0:01  

I feel like that's asking for what we really want in a nutshell, right there. It's like this amazing opportunity to bring something to life by asking for what you really need to resource your dreams and goals. And it all comes with a risk and in some ways, like if it feels riskier means it's really important to you.

Unknown Speaker  0:41  

Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Dia Bondi show - a big podcast for women with goals. I'm Dia Bondi and I am on a mission to help women ask for more and get it, resource their dreams and have a blast doing it. And welcome to Episode Three. I'm here with my on air producer, the one and only Arthur Leon Adams the third aka baby Arthur, aka baby A. Hello, baby. 

Arthur

Hey, Dia, how you doing?

Dia 1:06  

I'm good. I'm really good. We're recording on a Friday. Yeah. And it feels like a Friday,

Arthur 1:11  

You know, my schedule is so all over the place. So days don't feel like anything to me anymore. But

Dia 1:18  

Is that pandemic related? Or is that just life related?

Unknown Speaker  1:21  

You know, since I freelance, it's a little bit life related, but for the most part, I would say it's pandemic related. Yeah,

Dia  1:27  

Totally. Until one day bleeds into another. Yeah. Which is actually sort of the thing that's on my mind, if I might just like accelerate this conversation a little bit.

Arthur  1:35  

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. What's going on?

Dia  1:37  

like, Well, two things. I have done so many workshops and talks in the last two weeks. And I was planning on talking about some stuff that was coming up, particularly my workshop, your most powerful ask, live. But instead, since it's feeling so Friday ish, I just am reflecting today and like noticing how I'm talking about how I'm feeling. I don't want it to sound like that busy complaining. I'm so busy. I'm so busy. I'm so busy. Because, well, I am well, my calendar is full. And I am also doing a lot of stuff. I just don't like that story of business. Because it just has that sort of frenetic energy around it. Really what I am right now is super engaged. I'm super engaged. And, you know, when we're super engaged, that can make us tired. Engaged tired is a different kind of tired than busy tired, you know. There is something a little satisfying about it. And I need to take a nap.

Arthur  2:40  

Yeah. I totally know what you mean, busy can kind of feel like you're treading water or you're not accomplishing anything. and engage feels like, Okay, I got a lot of shit done this week.

Unknown Speaker  2:52  

Yeah. And I wonder how many times we think we're busy when actually we're more productive, we think because we're like, it does have that frenetic energy around it. And one thing that's been really helping me and this is crazy, it's crazy that I have a podcast for women with goals, because my goals, and we'll probably talk more about this and other episodes, my goals don't look like it's hard to put me into a goal box. Like I don't want to write down, quantify, you know, break down into bite sized pieces. My goals are more like big stakes in the ground aspirational kinds of goals. I talked about that actually on episode one a little bit with Laura, like, I don't like that. But I have forced myself to to create a few frameworks where I can track my goals. And what I find is like when I'm engaged in pushing up against feeling kind of busy that sort of like, oh, what am I doing? I'm just like, I feel like I'm doing so much stuff. Is any of this actually getting any traction when I go back and look at some of those frameworks to track progress. And I see it. That is wildly satisfying.

Arthur  3:57  

Yeah, I know that feeling.

Dia  3:58  

I'm not advocating for everyone to spreadsheet the heck out of their lives. My husband does that. And it makes me almost claustrophobic. And actually, that's something like I want to have some goal expert on the show that can talk about like different ways of framing goals that don't feel claustrophobic for those of us who hate to spreadsheet the heck out of our lives. But then also feels concrete for folks who do like to spreadsheet the

Dia  4:21  

heck out of their lives. Like there’s got to be like a lot of great ways to make goals that are concrete. But that actually worked for your just sort of natural way of wanting to vision and fulfill progress in your life. So speaking of goals, okay, so I plan to talk about some of the stuff that happened in the workshops last week. And then I was like, now I just want to talk about how like, busy engaged and am I actually moving forward? But now I kind of want to go back to what I was planning on talking about in the first place. Can we do that?

Arthur  4:58  

Yeah, of course.

I mean, is the deal. Bondy show, after all.

it's your show, baby.

Dia  5:05  

It's Friday now, not this last week. But the week before I did a workshop for a group of like, unbelievable women technologists, and we had an anthropologist in the group and some people that were site reliability engineers, and we had just like an incredible mixer about 40 women in this workshop I did for a tech company that many of you listening are very familiar with. And one woman brought up a question after the workshop, we do these like follow up coaching circles as a follow up to the workshop, and she brought up something that comes up a lot in the workshops, which is like, if I'm trying to make an ask of someone internally, or I'm trying to make something happen, and I've made requests I've made asks that are, you know, big, bold, they're aligned to my goals, you know, whether it's sponsorship, and I'm asking for somebody for a promotion or budget for a project or headcount, like whatever the thing is, and I noticed that the person that I'm making the request of is sort of waffling or is, as she called it, being on the fence, she asked me, How do I get them off the fence? How do I get them to say yes, or to say no, just like, get them off the fence. And, you know, it made me think of like, so I've been in the world of, you know, storytelling for years, right, as a communications coach, and my job is to help folks stand on stage or in front of audiences that really matter to put together a story that actually moves their audiences off the fence, great, gets them to activate towards some kind of shared goal, fine. But there are also moments, particularly in the asking world, where you have to recognize that somebody being on the fence might just be their passive way of saying no, and we can't get caught too much in trying to figure out how to wrestle somebody off the fence. While our lives our dreams, our goals go by, you know, like so my answer to this question of like, if you listener are out there, waiting for a reply from your manager, from somebody else in a group that you're working with, from a client from whomever, you can use something that borrowed from the world of ask of asking like an auctioneer, which is to ask, Are you in? Are you out. And if you get silence, guess what? They're out, they're not getting off the fence, and stop letting yourself get breadcrumbed to death, waiting for them to get off the fence while your dreams and goals go by. So sometimes we can strategize to get somebody to say yes or no to us in a concrete way. But if you're just met with silence over and over again, take it as a noun, take it as a no and go around, find another yard, find another fence, find someone else, because I don't want. I don't want women who are listening to this podcast, women in my workshops, women who are sort of drawn to the work that I'm doing to feel like they have to spend a whole bunch of time wrestling with an impossibility. And because you don't want somebody sitting on the fence to be holding your dreams and goals hostage period. So when we think about traction, you know, there's a bunch of activities that we do to try to move our goals forward. And those are often in concert with other people. And if they're not actually willing to play in the concert with you see what I did right there, then then you just need to go make a bandwidth somebody else that doesn't need to stop you from wanting to have a band or like actually making one at one point. Anyway, whatever. That's just my that's kind of my rant. Oh, ramaa today, because you know, I come up against that in my small business all the time that I need to ask a client. I get ghosted, you know, or I get like maybe later, maybe later, maybe later, maybe later. And pretty soon, I've wasted time, money, resources, and other opportunities to pursue other things, because I've got a fishhook in my cheek, that this person is sort of lodged there, and keeps me sort of strung along for a point where I've been breadcrumbed, you know, to death. So that is, you know, yes. be busy. Yes, be engaged. also recognize that your goals matter and not everybody deserves your energy to be so convinced all the time. Let them sit on the fence.

Arthur  9:08  

Yeah, I, I've dealt with that so much with clients and, and I'm just completely over it now. And so I put my stuff out there, I give them my bid. I give them my proposal or whatever. And maybe I follow up once, maybe twice. If I don't hear from them again. I just move on.

Dia  9:29  

Right and that's not giving up on your dream. No, that's not giving up on what the kind of work you want to do the kinds of things that you're working on ladies, but it is about knowing that that situation is a suck of energy and attention and engagement away from your actual goal. So it's not just a speed bump moment. It's like those people can be a brick wall in your path to success. So yeah, like yes, I want you to tell great stories. Yes, I want you to convince where you convince and I also want you to recognize that like, there is The Beauty and the Beast situation and that beast ain't turning into a prince walk away ladies walk away.

Arthur  10:06  

So before we move on to the next part of our show, I just want to remind all the listeners that if you really like what we're doing here, you should definitely subscribe, you should re should write reviews and you should help the Dia Bondy show reach more people even better if you just sent it to one friend of yours that you think might have some fun with it. Or they really need to hear what Dia has to say you should send it to them. We also take listener calls about questions that you might have about important asks in your life. And if you want to call us at 341-333-2997 do might answer one of your questions on the show. And speaking of that, we have a listener question today from Jamila.

Dia  10:49  

I'm so excited. Are you going to play it for us?

Arthur  10:52  

Yeah, I'm gonna play it right now.

Jamila  10:55  

I have a question for you. So I am thinking of making a big life change. My family and I are considering moving to Honolulu. It's where I'm from, my dad still lives here. My brother just moved back from New York. So we have a strong family connection and lots of friends from growing up. And given the state of the pandemic and life in Berkeley, I'm just really ready for a change. It seems like an adventure a year or maybe longer. And what better time to just explore. So my question is, how best Could I ask my employer to work remotely? It seems like everyone's working remotely these days, but not at my job. So the expectation in my company is that we show up to work every day. I work in property management. So I'm on site with the crew, making sure everything's running smoothly. And so it's really just not part of our work culture to work remotely. That being said, I've definitely proven my loyalty this year and have gone above and beyond in a number of situations. And I know that they do trust me. But I'm scared because this is a big ask. And I just, I don't want to lose my job. I'm the only income earner in our family right now. My husband's unemployed, and the kids are out of school because of distance learning. So it feels like an opportunity and a risk.

Dia  12:36  

Okay, so I love this question.

Arthur  12:39  

Yeah, great question.

Dia  12:40  

There's so much here. So the thing that really stands out for me right off the bat is she says that Well, a few things. But one thing was toward the end where she said, You know, this is Hi, Jamila thank you so much for calling in and see everyone, it's just that easy. She said it is an opportunity. I think she said it is an opportunity. And it is also a risk, you know, and I mean, that is I feel like that's asking for what we really want in a nutshell, right there. It's like this, this amazing opportunity to bring something to life by asking for what you really need - resource your dreams and goals. And it all comes with a risk. And in some ways, like, if it feels riskier, it means it's really important to you. And so sometimes we can get messages that tell us like, oh, you're crazy, you shouldn't do that, you know, putting things on the line that way, you know, who do you think you are, etc. But the riskier it can feel that can also be a sign I'm not saying ignore the risks, I'm saying that's an indication that this is really important, you know, to you or on the pathway to building something that matters to you. So that just like that's So in a nutshell, what asking is all about and exactly why asking the so interesting to me as a as a success strategy, because the one the asks that really matter, are the ones that can talk us out of doing them, you know, if your most important, most powerful most, you know, relevant ask that you have on deck this year is whispering in your ear that like if you make me I you know I'm I might ruin you, you know, there's a really good chance that it's trying to protect something in you that maybe actually doesn't even need protecting. So there's that like, it's a risk and an opportunity. I just love that. So that's one, two is, you know, she started talking about wanting to make a move and asking her employer if she could work remotely. Now that's a tough one because the industry she's in, there's a bunch of constraints around that which are really tied to like the storytelling and the problem solving of the ask, but what it's got my attention inside of the ask is not how to make it, but like what is it for You know, she says like, she really like I want to move to Hawaii, or what I heard in that was I want adventure, I want an exploration, I want to change. And that can come in lots of different forms that can come in living on the road in the United States and in an RV for a year that can come in taking a painting class that could come in so many other packages. So the issue for me as I listen to this, if Jamila were on the call with us, I'd want to understand what is it that this particular request of your employer is. What need is it actually satisfying? Because it can look like I have a need to move to Hawaii, when really the need is I need more adventure in my life. You know, on the first episode, I talked a little bit about how the kinds of asks that we make fall into four categories was sort of a fifth bonus category. one is money. One is authority. One is influence. One is balanced, and I think about bringing our internal and world ourselves, our inner selves and our external situations more in alignment more in balance with one another. And then there's the fifth, there's the fifth category, which is fun. And I talked to a lot of women who are like, I'm just not having any fun anymore. I don't love this work anymore. I don't like this place anymore. I don't love this industry anymore. And so I would want to understand from from Jamila first, like, what is the real desire here, and is actually asking to work or move to ask him to work remotely, so you can live, you know, on an island in the middle of the ocean, you know, the actual ask you need to make to get more of that adventure in your life? Like, are the risks associated with that ask as ness, you know, super necessary, there might be a different kind of risk that still feels risky, but doesn't

Dia 16:48  

have so much. I don't know does it have so much heat in it that would allow you still to get your needs met around adventure. So that's the first place I would always look what am I? What am I? What need is this ask actually making? That's the first part. The second part is how do I ask him? Well, for one, I'd want to understand really clearly, what is your I think, I'm not totally sure, but I think her boss is a business owner, is a man. And I would want to find out from him what his goals are in the business in the next 12 to 18 months. And whether those goals are actually dependent on her being on site project manager, because she might be able to find a place where she can help him reach his goals in a way that is actually not geographically dependent. Now, does that mean she's gonna make the ask and move tomorrow, maybe not. But she might be actually solving a problem for him, or seeing where she could fit into his business in a way he wasn't considering before. So that he can reach his goals faster. And making that as makes it possible for her to get more adventure, whatever package that ends up looking like. or however that gets packaged up. Or in fact, moving to Hawaii as if that's the thing that satisfies the adventure need. So I'd want to understand what their goals are, what his goals are. So you can align your goals to his goals and make it not dependent on being on site all the time. You know, it's a really, I think, inside of every ask, there can be an offer. And if you understand the needs of your audience and the need of the person in front of you, you can meet their need, where you also meet your own. And when you identify a way you can meet their need with inside of your ask, that ask Can is emboldened. It is more possible to make the bigger version of the ask I think, because it means that you getting what you want. If you can align it to get them getting what they want, then it's more possible for you to make the bigger, more bolder, more beautiful, more colorful, more fruitful, kind of ask. So those are sort of the three bits here. No joke, you know, no joke. It feels like an opportunity and a risk, all balled up in one yes. Preach. That is what these things are. And is exactly why I don't want women to lowball themselves just because it feels risky. It might in fact be risky. But it's a moment to pay attention to how do I respect the risk and not let it talk me out of my dreams? So those are my thoughts. I think, you know, there's sort of three points here. One is damn right. It's an opportunity and a risk. That sort of the bizarre tension and the beauty of the most strategic and big asks we can make to help us reach our goals they are they have both of those things wild opportunity and, and perceived or real risk, we just have to understand if it's actually perceived or real. Secondly, that we have to understand like our initial thing we think we might be asking for might not actually be the thing that we need to ask for in order to satisfy the need. So we always want to look at like what what is the real need here? And for Jamila is it really moving to Hawaii, I'm not doubting her. All you women get to want what you want. Okay, you get to ask for what you want. I just want to understand it. The ask you're making the actual thing that will bring to life, the need that might be hiding, or sort of folded under a different need that you've identified, that might actually not be the thing that needs to get satisfied. So I would look at that again, what am I really what am I really looking for here? And then third, I want to understand all I want Jamila to always understand what is the people that she's making asks of, in this case for her employer, what are his goals in the next 12 to 18 months? And how is making this ask something that can that that she can paint the picture for how those goals can be, can actually be brought to life for him, while she's also bringing to life her goal to have more adventure in in her life. So those are the three points. I hope if you're listening, and you're somebody who has a big ask on deck, you can go back and maybe pat yourself on the back to say, Yep, feels risky for a reason.

Dia  20:51  

Yay, look at me, I'm so courageous. To ask yourself, Am I satisfied with this ask? How does my ask actually help the person I'm making the request of bring their own goals, live their own values, bring their own dreams to life, even just a little tiny bit? So at the end of our episodes, we usually wrap like, what are the big ideas of the day, but I think I just did that for you. 

I had those three right there.

Arthur  21:19  

You know, the big thing for me is that the whole ask offer dynamic that you're talking about where like it is possible, you know, obviously not every situation that you're asked can actually help fulfill a need for the person you're asking it from. If you offer something to them, you know, while you ask or even in lieu of asking. So that's, that's pretty interesting to me.

Dia 21:43  

Yeah. And that is sort of like a little bit of a treasure hunt. You know, sometimes the offer inside of the ask is really implicit. And sometimes it's very explicit. Sometimes it's very transactional. Sometimes it's more aspirational. But it's an interesting thing to snoop around for, you know, the biggest ask I ever made in my life was literally, will you teach me to my early mentor? And I didn't say here's what I'll do for you. But inside of that, you know, I knew he had his heart in the world of mentoring and teaching others and I knew that it was a true and accurate ask. And inside of it was an offer to be a really good student to him, to help him level up his legacy and his own intellectual property, his own ideas, his own impact live on and through me? Like that's no joke. And that was present I could feel it even though it wasn't super explicit. So sometimes Yeah, that ask offer will be dynamic and will be very explicit, and sometimes it'll be very implicit.

Dia  22:47  

Alright, so there it is. That's episode three in the can. Is that right? episode three in the can.

Arthur  22:53  

That's right, episode three in the can.

Dia  22:55  

Love it. See you guys.

Arthur  22:57  

Yeah. Bye everyone.

Dia 23:01  

This Podcast is a production of Dia Bondi Communications and is produced and musicified by Arthur Leon Adams, the third, aka baby A. You can like share rate and subscribe at Apple podcasts, Google podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your favorite podcasts. Find us at diabondi.com or follow us on Instagram at The Dia Bondi show. Want to shoot us a question for the show? Call us at 341-333-2997