The Dia Bondi Show

How to Goals (when you don't have one)

Episode Summary

When it's time to name and claim goals, you don't have to just stare at a blinking cursor. In this episode, Dia talks through a way to approach naming and claiming some brand new goals (big ones, little ones, live ones, and work ones). She busts a myth about confidence and finds out what kind of contradiction Baby Arthur is and what he likes about it. Also, you can call into the show with a prompt from this Episode. 341-333-2997 or email us at hello@diabondi.com

Episode Notes

When it's time to name and claim goals, you don't have to just stare at a blinking cursor. In this episode, Dia talks through a way to approach naming and claiming some brand new goals (big ones, little ones, live ones and work ones). She busts a myth about confidence and finds out what kind of contradiction Baby Arthur is and what he likes about it. 

Call into the show with a prompt from this very Episode. 341-333-2997 

email us at hello@diabondi.com 

Check out all Dia's stuff at www.diabondi.com

Read Dia's OPED in AdWeek360 Let's Address The Confidence Trap

Episode Transcription

Unknown Speaker  0:02  

What I'm looking for, in you know, establishing my own goals and also, you know, in conversation with you about yours is - don't go for right, go for resonant. You know, this is about what is resonant for you.

Unknown Speaker  0:38  

Hey everyone, welcome to the Dia Bondi show a big podcast for women with goals. I'm Dia Bondi, and I am on a mission to help women ask for more and get it, resource their dreams and have an absolute blast doing it. I'm so happy to be here with you today. And I'm actually happy for you to be here with me today. Welcome into my little hidey hole. What my kids call a hidey hole. Usually, their hidey hole is in reference to like when they sleep at Nana's house, which doesn't happen right now because we're in the middle of COVID. But even in their own home they make themselves a little special bed and a little pocket somewhere in the house my son's 13 and he still enjoys a nice little hidey hole. Oh, yeah. So welcome to my hidey hole. Oh, speaking of speaking of of Welcome to our space that that deep beautiful voice you just heard that is of our our on air producer and audio extraordinaire, Arthur Leon Adams, the third aka baby a Hi, hey, yeah,

Unknown Speaker  1:27  

sorry to interrupt there. I just, I was just remembering my blanket fort days. I've made them as an adult, even

Unknown Speaker  1:33  

100% 100%.

Unknown Speaker  1:35  

Like, my wife and I, a couple of times have been like, let's just make a not a blanket fort but like thing on the floor in the living room moved the coffee table and the chair out of the way and just like put pillows and blankets down and watch movies like laying and

Unknown Speaker  1:48  

I knew just the hidey hole feels good. I know it does. I feel like this podcast is a little hidey hole where we get to talk about the things that matter to us. And we get to be ridiculous when we want to and serious as a heart attack when we want to - this is our little fort.

Unknown Speaker  2:02  

Yeah. So how's it going? What's on your mind today?

Unknown Speaker  2:06  

So, so much stuff is going on. It's January recording this in January. And it's been a really super, I don't know, a very interesting month in that I'm talking in my workshops, and also on the podcast and just across the world. I'm talking - engaging, there's so many different conversations. And one of the things that is just coming up a lot right now, and I'm noticing is how much we just like live in the tension of opposites. A couple episodes ago, maybe it was episode three jameelah called in and she talked about having a big ask that was on deck for her to try to like get some more adventure in her life. And she said something that really stood out to me that kind of put an exclamation point on this thing I'm aware of right now that we live in the tension of opposites. And in fact, sometimes that's even where the magic is. And the energy is. She said, Yeah, I'm gonna make this big ask and there's both both risk and opportunity in it.

Unknown Speaker  3:01  

A riskatunity?

Unknown Speaker  3:08  

Yes, a riskatunity. Yeah, so much riskatunity. So, those two things, oh, that just gave me a little delight right inside of my heart right there. That Yeah, that that we live in the attentions of opposites. And I feel like I myself am just a big ball of contradictions. And it's really easy. Like, in her example, where she was it was a risk attunity You know, there's always this little bit of like craving for the risk part to be smaller for that maybe not to even be there at all that there's like, there's always half of this, this these two opposites that we want to like back down or get rid of, or it's sort of the bad guy, you know, in this duality? And I don't know if that's always true. Like, what if we reframed it, what do we said, these two opposites that I live in these two contradictions that exist inside of myself and my personality? are actually the ways in which I am balanced and the ways in which, you know that actually when they work for me, like I think about my contradictions are that if I were to articulate them, I think there's a lot of them, but one of them stands out for me is that I am what I think of myself as a positive malcontent. I am, I am a fairly pot. I mean, do you experience me as a positive person? Absolutely.

Unknown Speaker  4:26  

Very positive, very up,

Unknown Speaker  4:29  

I have a sense of like, possibility and opportunity. And I'm very, I have a positive outlook about what's possible. And I'd like I sort of intentionally look at something and say, You know what's good here, but I'm also malcontent in that, like, I'm sort of, maybe it's more like I'm a skeptic, but I feel like I'm a malcontent in that like I can, I can enjoy something but there's always a part of it that I'm that I'm sort of like uncomfortable. With or that is sort of like, I'm not totally sure. Maybe I've had to cultivate my positivity to combat that. But nonetheless, I am a positive malcontent. And I also think that's okay. Like if I said, What's good about that? What's good about that is I can, I am forward looking, I can feel bright about what's possible. And my skepticism or my mal contentedness also keeps me discomforted enough to always be moving forward. Like, it keeps me skeptical enough that I come to things with critical thinking that I am not afraid to like to look at things from lots of different angles that I can be skeptical enough. And I'm not just drinking the Kool Aid, you know. So what is it? What is it for us to have to have these contradictions in us and not try to bat one away, but instead say, what are my contradictions and what's good? Like, here's what I like about that. Here's how it helps me to have both of these presents. How about you, Arthur? What are yours?

Unknown Speaker  6:04  

Well, yeah, mine's really similar to yours. I think I am what I would call an optimistic, nihilist with what that means to me is that life is meaningless. Everything is horrible. It's and it probably is never really going to get better, like in the universe, but I'm just gonna find my happiness how I can you know? And so does it help

Unknown Speaker  6:30  

you appreciate simple things like picking up your guitar at home or salutely.

Unknown Speaker  6:34  

It helps me appreciate simple things. It makes me not sweat the small stuff because yeah, it's par for the course.

Unknown Speaker  6:41  

See, that's what I that's, that's what I mean. And like, when I listen to you say those two things that are in may be perceived in opposition of one another. The nihilist part is what you're saying is the part that actually allows you to enjoy things.

Unknown Speaker  6:53  

Yeah, absolutely.

Unknown Speaker  6:54  

But it would be the one that we can easily be like, Oh, yeah, nihilism. That's, that's so useless. And you shouldn't be like, that are so dark, or it's so negative, or it's

Unknown Speaker  7:02  

so people have accused me of those things before being negative, you know, but, um, but I don't feel that way. Yeah, I feel like I, I have so much joy and love for so many things about life. I just know that in the end, what does that matter? It just matters to me.

Unknown Speaker  7:23  

That's great. That's great. Well, I would love to hear from our listeners. What, what contradictions are you? And what, what do you like about that?

Unknown Speaker  7:34  

That's a good one.

Unknown Speaker  7:35  

I would love to hear that. If you could call us with our number. Again, it's 341-333-2997. You can just call,

Unknown Speaker  7:42  

you can call us anytime at that number. You can also subscribe and rate and review the podcast. And there's a way to contact us via email to right,

Unknown Speaker  7:54  

correct. You can go to just hello@diabondi.com. If you send us a note there and tell us “who are you as a contradiction?” And what do you like about that? And how does that serve you? And I'd love to actually hear a handful of those. And maybe we'll cut them together or read them on a future episode. So we'll be looking for that both in our email and in our, in our voicemail box.

Unknown Speaker  8:13  

Oh, yeah, that'll be really fun.

Unknown Speaker  8:14  

I can't wait.

Unknown Speaker  8:16  

Today, I want to talk about goals themselves. And then I want to talk about how you know, your goals are sort of right for you, particularly if you're at the beginning of sort of wanting to identify a few of them. And whether their goals for this year for your life or for the next quarter for whatever. And then lastly, like I want to talk a little bit about sometimes what are the two actions or goals can require or what feel like requires some confidence. What you can do, when you look at something that I often see is a lie we tell ourselves is that we need confidence before we can act and actually, it's the opposite. So those are the three things I want to talk about today. And this this episode is especially for those of you listening who are maybe like maybe you're kind of on cruise control for a while or you've you've leveled up a handful of years ago, or you made a big change a while ago, a while back and you're kind of ready for something new, but you're not quite sure what it might be yet. You're ready for a change or you're ready for something bigger or something smaller. And you're just kind of at the beginning of that itching feeling of like, what might my next set of goals be? I found myself in this exact same position. handful of years ago, I put myself on a working sabbatical. And during that time, I did a lot a different things that worked out a lot. I slept a lot. I walk my kids to school every day. And I really actually my goal for that 18 months was to actually not do anything, not try to create new goals, not force it but instead to just listen for them. And you know, I had a few small adventures. That was when I went to auctioneering school. I just wouldn't call Play, but I did a lot of just moving my body and a lot of listening. So that the next sort of set of goals that emerged for me that I heard, you know, that kind of popped up in the landscape of my life that I could notice.

Unknown Speaker  10:16  

I knew weren't because I muscled it, I knew that they were gonna, that they were the right goals, because they were they, because they emerged from me not because I forced them out of myself. So I want to offer, you know, how we can think about getting on getting on to listening for and articulating and sort of committing to a new set of goals. Now around that same thing, I want to say that, you know, it's really, it's really easy. In fact, naming this podcast was a little bit. You know, I wanted to say that this podcast is a big podcasts for women with goals, meaning women who want to know what they want, or want something for themselves. And it's very easy for us to automatically think that when that goal means ambition, and you know, Episode One, I talked about, like what is achievement, and our goals don't always have to look like what we think of as classic achievement. In fact, when we had Shasta Nelson on our friendship expert, our, in our last episode, there was a moment, at the end of our, at the end of our conversation, where she said something like, we were talking about friendships, and how they, how they can help you reach your goals, even when those friends don't necessarily care about your goals. And she was like, you know, we don't always have friendships that are tied to us reaching our goals, you know, sometimes you just want to relax, and I was like, yeah, and one of one of our goals is just to have a place to relax. Like, that's a goal for you to be able to point at something and say, that is a place where I can be quiet with myself, that is a place where I don't have to perform. And that is an important component in my life. And, one of my goals is to have that and maintain it and to cultivate it and keep it keep it a hidey hole for myself, you know? So how do we know when we look at all of the different kinds of goals that can exist for us? How do we know? Those are really right for you? Well, I want to talk a little bit for a second about this next subject, which is, you know, how do you actually identify some goals around this question of how do I know my goals, ones that are emerging for me that I'm seeing are right, is to not think of your goals as having to be something that's perfect. That is something that you can put on a spreadsheet and measure and you know, that it has some sort of sort of that it's really the business side of the house, you know, that it has this sort of hard formality or a hardened form. And it can not be perfect that way, what I'm looking for, in my, you know, establishing my own goals, and also, you know, in conversation with you about yours is to go for go Don't go for right, go for resonant. You know, this is about what is resonant for you. And so as as I was looking a handful of years ago, when I took my self imposed working sabbatical, and I was looking for what is resonant for me now, because my 10 year, my 10 years earlier than that moment itself, would have had a set of goals that were resonant for for that time in my life, but not now. And I had to kind of upgrade myself or update in a reboot myself to say what matters to me now what's resonant to me now, what matters to Who am I now? And what do I care about? And one really powerful tool in letting those goals emerge, show up for me. So I could notice that, wow, that wouldn't have never been interesting to me 10 years ago, but it's actually it's actually interesting, it's resonant for me

Unknown Speaker  13:56  

was to do Julia Cameron's artists way, book and journal to read it and do all of the activities in that journal made a huge difference to me and helped me get back into a relationship with the current version of myself. Not maybe even not even back into relationship, but to get into relationship with the current version of myself, and to start to notice what is resonant for me. So that was a huge, a huge tool. That was a huge tool for me. And so if you have a chance to go find that book, and that is an interesting activity for you to do journaling around that and you like the sort of the format of a workbook. That is a fantastic, fantastic tool. short of that. There's a little sort of four steps you could take to identify a handful of goals and then notice what's what's resonant about them first, you can and you can do this with, you know, post it notes, you can do it on notes on your phone, you can you can journal electronically, somewhere You can write it out long form whatever format makes the most sense to you. You want to make you step one is really to make a big list a big exhaustive list of like, what? It's not actually what do you want to do? But what do you want more of? What do you want more of in your life? in your relationships in your work? And your joy? In what do you want more of an answer you write down or you take note of is the right answer. You can make an exhaustive list they all get to be you can say yes to everything that shows up to every idea you have. Because you don't have to make any decisions about them yet, it's just an inventory. And then you can go to the second step and do the opposite. It's funny, we were talking earlier about opposites today. you know that there's beauty in like these tension, there's in the tension of opposites that we have in our lives. And so step two is actually exactly that, where you're after you ask yourself, what do I want more of, you can now make a list of what do I want less of, you know, I want less, I want less exhaustion. that's legit, I want a less crowded calendar, I want less, I want fewer plans, and more openness. So what might you want less of and you can make a nice exhaustive list. If you only have two or three things on the list. That's fine, too. All your answers are right. And then once you've once you've made these lists of what you want more of and what do I want less of, you can now look at them, and just scan them and ask yourself, which of these on these lists, maybe maybe only one tied to the first step or maybe all of them tied to the second step? Or maybe you have someone on both sides, what do I want more of or what do I want less of which ones of those are most resonant. And wherever resonance lives for you. If it's like, you get that little jump in your stomach, or you can feel yourself relax a little bit when you when you look at how you've articulated what you want more of or a thing that you want less of what looks interesting to you, which ones are you most curious about? That's a good way to sort of detect resonance. And if you identify which one of those lists might be resonant, you can circle them, highlight them, grab them, and hold on to them, you can write out, you can journal around them and sort of paint a picture of what it looks like to have more or less of the thing that you've identified is resonant. And to sort of narrow in on one or two on either side, or just one or two or just one, that that you can identify as something that has maybe some goals inside of it. And then the fourth step is still not to do anything with it. It's still just to be with it and ask this question, what is it for me to fall in love with this goal? What is it for me to fall in love with this thing that even has a little tiny spark of resonance for me, and let it have a place in my thoughts in my heart in my day, you know, in my mind, the letters have a seat at the table might not be eating anything yet, but just to have a seat at the table in my awareness. So these four steps are, really, they can be fun, they can be quiet, they can be a conversation with friends, they can be just time by yourself in your hidey hole. But these four steps can start to help you see and let something emerge. That might be an important goal for you. And the next phase of your life. If the phases the next five years, the next two years, the next quarter. So yes, I'm actually not even going to give you anything to do with it except to ask this question. And in the coaching model that I use, we think of it as like an inquiry, what is it for me to fall in love with that goal?

Unknown Speaker  18:54  

Now, some of you may have identified a goal that actually has a real clear action path. Maybe somebody, maybe one of you is written down, what do I want more of I want more authority at work. I want to be a director someday. And maybe it's really clear and concrete. And all of a sudden, there's like a very clear action path for you. But that feels like Jim ilas call that we got earlier in our episodes feels like an opportunity and a risk to really go for it. You know that there's some there's a draw toward it. But it also has that sort of fiery risky feeling like you want it but you need some you need something to help you make it happen. And so often the thing I hear not just in the work I do with women and asking but also with my 20 years of communications work and maybe even especially right there because I'm working with people to help them step on stage and really truly speak from the heart and as as they who they truly are in the context of most often of high stakes business audiences that There's an assumption that in order to get into action toward that goal, or an assumption that for me to take that stage, which is such as taking a stage is like a just beautiful metaphor for, you know, when we want to level up in our lives, we want to pursue something new, we want to take a risk, we want to stretch. And we make ourselves a little bit vulnerable on the stage. And when we stretch in our lives, there's a little vulnerability in that as well, that we assume that we need confidence to actually take action, I'll take that stage, once I have enough confidence, I'll pursue that role, once I have enough confidence, in order to do it, like confidence is a prerequisite to acting on moving toward that particular goal, or taking that risk or leaning into that stretch. And in a lot of cases, in so many cases, that's a trap. So much so that actually, I wrote an op ed that will list in the, in the show notes that I published on Adweek, 360. About this very thing, the confidence trap, we trap ourselves thinking we need the confidence to act when in fact, action doesn't require confidence, it requires a plan. It requires having a sense of control, or what you can control so that you can get into action. And actually confidence exists on the other side of taking action. It is an outcome of action. So I want to invite folks, for those of you who did the four step process of like, what do I want more of in my life? In my job and my work and my creative self? What do I want less of which one's most resonant for me? And then what does it mean for me to fall in love with it. And for those of you who might be noticing that something that is easy to start to see a path toward action on, but you assume you need confidence in order to act just just trust that if you put together a plan, and you can act, confidence is actually just on the other side. And we can talk about some planning in another episode. But today was really about what do we think about goals? When I do I judge my goals? Number one, do I judge my goals and say they're wrong, because they don't look shiny, because they don't look a certain way. They're not tied to sort of classic ideas of ambition. Your Goals are personal, they're 100% yours, and you can let them emerge with a four step plan around, you know, what do I want more of and less of? What's really resonant for me? And then how do I fall in love with those enough to be able to stand up for them forgive them a seat at my table in my life to bring them into my hidey hole. And then lastly, if there are actions that you can see that you could take to move toward them, and those actions feel like they require confidence. They don't always they require a plan and confidence is right on the other side. fractioning that plan?

Unknown Speaker  22:51  

You know, the little exercise that you're talking about? Having people do that reminds me of those days that we spent at the clock factory doing mind maps,

Unknown Speaker  23:01  

right, we did those on Fridays or something right? We had a Mind Map Friday? Yeah,

Unknown Speaker  23:04  

Friday was mind mapping day. And were Yeah, I mean, we did a lot of things like that exercise, in the mind map kind of formula.

Unknown Speaker  23:14  

Yeah, I mean, I remember those mind mapping days were days where we would like quietly mosers, sir, three, or four or five of us in the shoot space doing them, and we would be quiet and just do them quietly, and then stand back and like look at those mind maps and say, what do I see in my own mind map? What am I noticing? Is there a theme here? Which ones you know which pieces on this mind map are pointing me toward something new, and just letting that show itself to you instead of muscling it.

Unknown Speaker  23:44  

Right? And also getting the feedback from each other? where you're like, Well, you know, what I'm really seeing in your mind map is this

Unknown Speaker  23:51  

and it wasn't a lot of evaluation. I love it that you bring this up because part of this exercise, you know, when we look at especially Step three, when you're asking yourself, you know which of these things that I'm seeing that I've listed here, however you've done that, or is most resonant is to really be careful not to judge it right? To let yourself be like, wow, this really simple thing has so much resonance for me, I thought that I thought that that was something I didn't care about anymore or something, when in fact it's it's got it's got a lot of sparkle to it for you and not judge that

Unknown Speaker  24:23  

I have a tendency to edit as I go and self edit and these types of exercises help you just like free associate and just write what you know comes to your mind first without any judgment without editing and I always find it really helpful.

Unknown Speaker  24:36  

Yeah. And you know, you can use these kinds of exercises all over the place. This one for today is really, I think it's about like when you're in a place where you're asking now what you know now what's important to me. Now, what do I want to do? What do I want to have? What is my What's next? And you don't have an answer of like, I know exactly what I'm going to do. I'm super clear on my goals. This is just a place to start to get back To start listening to yourself,

Unknown Speaker  25:01  

thanks. Well, I think that's another good one. Another one in the can. That's right. All right, everybody.

Unknown Speaker  25:06  

We'll see you next time. Bye.

Unknown Speaker  25:12  

This Podcast is a production of Dia Bondi Communications - scored, mixed and produced by Baby A. You can like, share, rate and subscribe at Apple podcasts, Google podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your favorite podcasts. If you would like my mom, Dia Bondi, to answer any questions about how to make your next big move, call us and leave your question at 341-333-2997. Thanks for listening!